Death

It's been a horrible tragedy with Mr. Lagnese. I wish I could say more about him, feel more empathy about the situation, but it's hard for me to sympathize with because he was never my teacher and I never knew him particularly well.

To be honest, I've never had a very deep experience with death. The first time I ever experienced death of a friend was right before school started. A girl I knew at camp died of a brain aneurysm at the age of 13. She was one of the friendliest girls I have ever known, and one of the people who helped me get settled at camp when I felt out of place my first year. When I found out the news, I was completely shocked. It didn't seem like reality. It only hit me a few days later, after the idea grew that she would never come back for anyone. Her story was done. Finished. She would never open her eyes again.

I think that the most horrifying thing in the entire world is death.

Growing up in an Athiest household, I've never had any comfort with death. I don't believe in heaven, or reincarnation, or purgatory. What I believe, although I ignore I believe it because it is hard for me to cope with, is that when a person dies, nothing happens. Their eyes close. They simply cease to exist.

When I was younger, I used to get panic attacks from my fear of death. I couldn't comprehend how the world could just stop. One day it all just ends, just like that. I had trouble enjoying anything in life. I'd go to a play, but I wouldn't be able to focus on it because I knew everyone was going to die anyway. Nothing means anything. It all ends.

Even know as I write this, I'm not delving into my deep thoughts about death. When I do so, it gives me such an extreme feeling of pain that I am unable to contain and control. How could it be that it all stops? How could it be? I understand that death is vital to life. Out with the old and in with the new. Somehow though, it seems like I am immune to that, or so I'd like to think. It seems so far away it couldn't possibly happen.

One positive way I view death is as a deadline. Once your dead, you can't do anything anymore. Because of that, you must live a life you want to live before it's too late. I know it sounds corny, but that's the only good thing I can get out of it. Steve Jobs said in his speech that everyday he would look in the mirror and think, "If I died today, would I be ok with the life I've lived?" Death has a way of putting everything into perspective. Death makes all problems cease to exist, because makes everything cease to exist.

Honestly, when the future comes, I have no clue how I'm going to deal with the death of family members and friends. Because no one close to me has died, I've been able to run from away from reality. One day though, my grandparents will die. My parents will die. My friends will die. And I will die. And all of this will have meant nothing at all.