A Belated Valentine

A Belated Valentine
I'm sharing this one because it has an interesting story.

When I was in Disney, I was having a conversation with a guy from my grade who I had gone to pre-school with. Our mothers had talked and apparently my mother had found a valentine he wrote to me back then. It was likely one of those valentines you pass out to the entire class, but nevertheless, he insisted that I write him a belated response and post it in my blog. He also demanded this letter meet his expectations, coming so late.

Hopefully, I was successful.

Coffeebreak: A Play

I am making a new change to this blog. Not only will I not post things I write on my daily writing blog, I will only bother to talk about the posts that have particular significance for me, either because of their good quality or personal value. Posting everyday about my writing process is not only time consuming but likely unnecessary.

Coffeebreak: A Play
So why have I chosen this post to talk about? A number of reasons. After recieving one act plays in STAC, I decided I would make an attempt to write my own. I didn't go into this project with any ideas. I simply started writing, and this was the result.

One thing that's unusual about this play in comparison to the rest of my posts is that it's not particularly funny. Up until this point I had focused on writing humor, but this day, I simply wanted to write without that kind of restraint. That means that this writing is more personal, and thus, more vulnerable.

That's something I often have difficulty with when I make art. True and emotional art makes you very vulnerable. I am a very open person. Perhaps a little too open at times. Here's the thing though. I am perfectly capable of sharing my past traumas and emotional experiences, but I only feel comfortable doing so in hindsight, when I can fully understand the circumstances and forgive myself for my own behavior. In the heat of the moment, I don't like having my feelings shared and criticized.

On the other hand, writing this piece was actually quite cathartic for me. It's one of those pieces of art that you make because you really just have to get something out. I think I needed to release some things I've been feeling lately, and that's why this piece spontaneously appeared.

After I wrote this, I was scared. I knew I would have to post it on my blog. It wasn't like I was going to write a second entry and share that instead. Then I thought, why should I? It's definitely rough, but I think it's pretty decent and it has potential to be better if I ever make the effort to revise it.

The day after I wrote this, I felt very strange. The piece hung over me as both a burdon and a liberation. I had a number of apprehensions, but I was also happy to open the door to expressing deeper emotions, as opposed to thriving on the surface with shallow humor.

I think that much young writing about deep emotional issues often comes out as shallow, like you're trying too hard. This is why I've avoided it. What I see now though is that it only comes out shallow if you go in with the intention of making it emotionally complex. If it happens by accident, it seems much more genuine. It's sort of like acting in that way. If you act like you're sad, it sucks, but if you make yourself feel sad, it's great.

So now, I have brought more flexibility to my writing. I'm hoping that one day I will be able to skillfully combine humor and drama into a wonderful mix to represent the dramady that is our existence.

Soap Suds: A Poem

Soap Suds: A Poem

I was watching How I Met Your Mother, and in the episode Bedtime Stories, Marshall was trying to stop his son Marvin from crying by reciting tales about his friends in the form of rhyme. I wanted to try it. A few days beforehand, I was telling a friend some strange stories about boys that have made terribly hilarious attempts to flirt with me. One of these stories has become the poem thus.

I have a feeling this one is going to turn into a vlog.

How To Get Your Roommate To Stop Playing Christian Rock

How To Get Your Roommate To Stop Playing Christian Rock

While on the phone with my brother, I told him to check out my blog. He did, and he told me I should write a post about how to get his roommate to stop playing Christian Rock all the time. I took the idea and ran with it. The suggestions probably won't help him at all, but hopefully they will make him laugh.

Why I Make Art

Why I Make Art

After reading the packet we got for our STAC homework, I figured the best way to create a response for why I make art was by brainstorming my random thoughts. This post is a collection of some of the best (and most amusing) reasons I make art.

Monologues in the Style of Matthew McConaughey

Monologues in the Style of Matthew McConaughey

This post was actually a parody of a parody. I was inspired by the SNL imitation of Matthew McConaughey on Weekend Update. To me it seemed the actor was making up things on the spot, and I figured if he could make it up on stage, I could some monologues myself. These are quite silly, but very much fun to make!

Calligrams

Calligrams

I was inspired to practice this based on the works of Guillaume Apollinare. I typed the poems using Adobe Paint Shop Pro, which contains a number of great features that allow you to warp text. It was fun introducing computer editing to my own writing, and creating images with words. My particular favorite in this is "Too Much Alcohol," based on its sheer ridiculousness.

Why You All Up in My Grill?

Why You All Up In My Grill?

This post is just good rhyming fun.

Votive Portraits in the Style of Frida Kahlo

Votive Portraits in the Style of Frida Kahlo

I wrote this after reading a book on the art of Frida Kahlo. Though I was touched by the emotional struggles she went through in her life and put into her art, I also thought that some of her direct symbolic representation seemed ridiculous, at least in the way it was described. I wanted to try to make my own crappy pictures and describe them the same way.

I must admit that this is probably one of my favorite posts yet.

Haikus

Haikus

The haikus that I wrote here were inspired mainly by characters, written in the style of their voice. I figured this would make it easier to make more poems because it gave me a rule, as opposed to simply writing any old haiku. 

Phobias

Phobias

Once when I was younger, I read a very long list of phobias because I was amused by the complex names. Recently, I realized that there are a number of phobias that I could add to the list, so I made some new terms.

That's Unfortunate...

That's Unfortunate...

Have you ever talked to someone who somehow manages to turn all of your minimal statements into an opportunity to share long and somewhat awkward stories about themselves. I spoke to someone a few days ago who shared many of these tales, and while I felt sad for her, I also thought her tendency to share these stories was quite amusing. So made a few of my own.

What Your Musical Instrument Says About You

What Your Musical Instrument Says About You

While trying to find ideas for blogs, I was watching some Jenna Marbles. She has a number of videos where she describes people's personalities according to odd criteria, such as underwear and nail polish. I figured I would do one for musical instruments, considering that it is a subject I am well acquainted with.

Long Distance Relationship Tips: Teen Edition

Long Distance Relationship Tips: Teen Edition

In my long browsings of the internet, I was reading about a list of things for long distance couples to do. It seemed a bit odd to me, all of the subversive ways they have to connect due to a lack of physical presence. It also reminded me of the many friendships and relationships teenagers have often purely on the internet, including my own. I started to write some "tips" on how to sustain such relationships. It mostly ended up being a list of inconvenient places to text.

Jane Winkle

Jane Winkle

The other day I had the desire to write, but I couldn't figure out what to write about. After some random verbal doodles, I created this character called Jane Winkle, and I used her to express much of my criticism towards current youth cultural norms. It was a fun exercise, and I'd like to share some of the better phrases I came up with. I may write down more of these from time to time, hopefully to improve, mainly for kicks.

My Middle School Diary

Yesterday, a friend of mine posted the terrible poetry he wrote in 7th grade on his blog. It was positively hilarious. This is what I was thinking as I read the poetry in a bout of insomnia at 4AM in the morning. I wondered if I myself owned such gems of immature angst.

I didn't write much poetry when I was younger, but I did keep a diary for sometime, and it was certainly hilarious.

Some names have been changed to protect the identities of those I thought would be cool to call douchebags.

Here, I proudly share with you my life and times as a 7th grader.

Ellen has fun with children

3/8/09

Today is when I realized Marissa is not an innocent little girl. She got into fights with her brother and Chris. I tried to break it up but it wasn't easy. She even said to me, "I bet you're too afraid to pick me up." What an attitude. That's not how you speak to someone three years older than you. 

Ellen lets her imagination roam free

3/9/09

Before school: Thought of the randomness thing - lesbian frogs

Ellen asks her English teacher an important question

3/11/09

Period 11: I asked Mr. Conroy if he knew what "That's what she said" meant. He told me to go sit down. 

Ellen has fun with friends

3/16/09

I have the impression Ben is trying to bully me...On Wednesday I said yay the SS Hw is due on Monday. Then he's like Ellen you're due on Monday. I think you're too young for that. 

Ellen learns about pop music

3/20/09

I finally figured out what If U Seek Amy means.

Ellen shops at French Connection

3/22/09

We went and bought this awesome dress for $130 (it was on sale). Then I performed at Steinway. I looked really good. In fact they clapped more when I came on than when I left. 

Ellen enters an insult battle

3/23/09

Ben and I went to WAR. It all started when Aaron was talking to a bunch of 6th graders. Ben called him a pedofile so I'm like haha your a pedofile now sing like Michael Jackson. Then Ben called me a rapist and said I raped a ton of people including Adam (Adam is a douche). I got mad so I said he raped Sally, to which he replied, "Yes, but it was horrible. Never again."

I ran out of insults, so we made a truce at 4th period. 

The rest of the day was just like stuff, but guess what? Chicken butt. 

Ellen is homophobic

3/24/09

We watched a cool movie in SS. At least it WAS cool until right before we left and this guy was talking to this other guy and he's like what do you want? Then the other guy said you know what I want and KISSED him. Eww, gay kisses are gross.

Ellen can't stop asking questions

3/25/09

I made a bet in the morning that I wouldn't ask any questions until school started. I failed 2 seconds later when Aaron said "What's that?" and I'm like "What?"

Ellen sees an off off broadway show

3/28/09

My parents did something horrible. They made me see a sick, sick off off broadway show. 

I mean they pulled down a guy's pants and I'm pretty sure he was going commando. That, or he was wearing a black thong. They gave alcohol out to the audience. People drank beer and talked about sex and stuff. Not only that, it was all Balkan music, and I could barely understand what was going on. At least my bro shared in my pain. 

After the show was over, I litteraly said out loud loudly, What the fuck. I can't believe my parents make me see stuff like this. My mom was also drinking. Now I've learned to think twice before I see an off off broadway show. 

Ellen gets an iPhone

3/30/09

Today, I showed everyone my iPhone, but a lot of them already knew I had one through facebook. That's creppy. 

Ellen enjoys April Fools

4/1/09

Oh my gosh. I pulled the best prank ever. 

I had pixy stick. Some of them were used. I gave some people ones with pixy dust and others just empty containers. They looked like a little kid who's candy was taken away. Right before they cry. 

Ellen tries to explain a fight to a teacher

4/2/09

The other art teacher who I don't know came out and she's like what's going on. I told her they took Ryan's pants and she said too much information. 

Ellen goes to a Bat Mitzvah

4/3/09

Apparently Ben likes the Mets a lot. And to think I thought he was on the comp all day watching anime about frogs. 

...

We played more truth or dare, although it was more like dare byotch. I got dared to pat Ben's hair lovengly and lick a plate covered in pepper. 

My Intimate Experiences with Dora the Explorer

This is a piece inspired by the book How to be Inappropriate by Daniel Nester. He has written a number of creative non-fiction pieces in bulleted format, analyzing various events in his life, and I thought it would be a good format for me to try out.

My Intimate Experiences with Dora the Explorer

1. Dora the Explorer premiered on August 14th, 2000. I was 4 years old, and it was the day before my birthday. The show was destined to become a hit.
2. In elementary school, kids liked to show of their miscellaneous phrases of Spanish they knew. ¡Hola! ¿Cómo estás? Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco. I could only count to ten, but I wanted to count further.
   1. I asked my nanny Julia if she could teach me numbers beyond 10. She speaks Portuguese, which she claims is “the same thing.” Though she repeated her numbers multiple times, I could never remember any number past diez.
   2. That day we were celebrating her birthday. In order to avoid the embarrassment of admitting her old age, she told me that she was turning sixteen, dieciseis. I believed this for the next three years until I could rationally proportion ages.
3. At a garage sale, Julia bought me a Dora keychain. It contained a mini-marionette of Dora that hopped when you pressed a button. I played with this toy so much, it broke. Afterwards, I stopped watching Dora. I do not believe these events are related.
4. Once, an ice cream truck came around my neighborhood. I decided to purchase a Dora the Exporer ice pop. Unfortunately, I did not make the mental connection that her brown colored hair would be flavored chocolate. I do not like chocolate. I threw the ice pop in the trash.
5. In 2012, I taught comedy at a sleepaway camp. I did not know much about comedy, but a lack of qualification did not stop me from pursuing my dreams. My co-counselor was Gabby. She knew more than I did.
   1. We asked our campers what they found funny. One of them said, “I like it when stupid people don’t notice obvious things.” Gabby said this reminded her of Dora. Within this group of campers, there was a 15 year old boy from Venezuela. We all looked at him instantaneously. Fate was decided.
   2. This Dora impersonator was not in fact Latino. He was half-Italian and half-Basque. Basque is a wannabe country within Spain. No one ever asked about his ethnic makeup, because he looked generally Latino. His skin was olive and his hair was cut near his ears.
      1. A side note: in Venezuela, Dora teaches English.
   3. Before the sketch can be performed, I had to be gather props. Coincidentally, I owned a purple Kipling backpack. This became Dora’s backpack. Inadvertently, I had owned a Dora backpack for a number of months. I couldn’t believe I had never realized this.
   4. The sketch was a success. The Dora impersonator gained legendary status, and so did Gabby and me.
6. At that camp, I lacked the ability to tell time because we could not use our phones in public. When my mother came to visit, she took me to Walmart so I could buy a watch. I entered the children’s watch section, and I figured I should look around in a different part of the store. However, when I noticed a shiny Dora watch sitting on the shelf, I knew that it was for me.
   1. This watch had plastic attachments marking every day of the week. The first day I wore that watch was a Friday.
   2. After camp was over, I never stopped wearing that watch. I wore it every single day into the school year. At first people humorously commented on this exquisite artifact, but soon it became another mundane aspect of life.
   3. Two weeks after I bought the watch, it already began to break down. The plastic ring that kept the extra length of wrist wrap in place broke down. I replaced it with a broken hair tie. This lasted for months.
      1. Until one day. I had to run the mile during gym class, but I forgot my hair tie at home. I tried to use the hair tie from my watch. Unfortunately, when I tried to wrap my hair in it, the tie broke. It was a sweaty day.
   4. Occasionally, I would forget to switch the proper date, and the false labeling on my watch would make me anxious. In order to calm my nerves, I would reverse the obsolete date onto the blank side so that it could no longer be seen. Instead of having a Wednesday label on a Thursday, I would have a white label that I interpreted as “Not Wednesday.”
   5. Overtime, these plastic labels wore out and lost their attachability. One day near the end of December, my social studies class was switched to a different room. The Wednesday label fell off my watch and I could not find it. At that point I only had six days of the week. I did not want to give the other days of the week an unfair prejudice, so I dumped all of the labels into the trash. I still kept the basic Dora watch.
7. Not everyone was accepting of my watch. My friend Besmah would ask me during social studies why I liked it so much. At that point, the Dora watch was more of a habitual object than an expression of my interest in bilingual children’s television.
   1. Besmah asked what I could do to change my watch. I told her she would have to buy me a new one.
   2. I asked her why she didn’t like my watch. Eventually she admitted that it terrified her. I teased her for a week.
   3. She never bought me a new watch.
8. Throughout the year of the Dora watch, I met a number of friends of the Dora impersonator.
   1. His friend Tony came to New York, and we decided to meet up. Tony is a rich boy in a rich family. He shops at Bergdorf Goodman and wears cologne from Polo Ralph Lauren. He noticed my watch. He said, “you need a new watch.”
   2. I did not tell him that he should buy me a new watch. I did not think we had reached that point of intimacy in our relationship yet.
9. My nanny Julia has a grandson. She keeps her grandson at my house at various times throughout the week. His name is Christian.
   1. When Christian lays next to me, he often grabs at my watch. A few times, I have taken off the watch so he could examine it. He likes put its in his mouth. It doesn’t bother me though. After a while, you get used to toddler saliva.
   2. Christian’s favorite TV show became Dora the Explorer. Julia set the television to Nick Jr. each day so he can watch. When Dora came on the screen, he bounced up and down in his crib with excitement.
      1. This influx of Dora was quite helpful to me because I was trying to learn Spanish. This was for two reasons. First of all, I had always wanted to become bilingual, but my French classes rubbed me the wrong way and I never got a full grasp on the language. Secondly, the friends of the Dora impersonator spoke Spanish, so I figured that was as good an excuse as any to attempt the language.
         1. I can now count past ten in Spanish.
   3. Christian acquired all sorts of various Dora memorabilia. He had a plastic imitation of the backpack, which played music. He banged it on the ground so the music would play over and over.
      1. I still think my Dora backpack is better.
   4. He also came with Dora DVDs. He put these DVDs in his mouth. He puts everything in his mouth.
   5. Julia begged me to play the DVD. I placed it in the Playstation 3 hoping it would work. Somehow, it was still operational.
   6. This summer, Julia asked me to help her out with her garage sale. Even though she was leaving for Portugal that following Thursday, she insisted on having a garage sale because her son Victor bet her 100 dollars that she couldn’t. Christian sat on the steps. He watched his Dora DVD at least 20 times.
10. I never stopped wearing that Dora watch, but overtime it became less and less operational.
    1. I thought that the watch had died in January because no numbers appeared on the screen. The watch ended up returning to normal the next day. At that point though, it was no longer reliable. Sometimes it would work, and sometimes it would not.
11. On the day my Dora watch actually died, I was sitting in the back of the Herricks Summer Music orchestra, now a counselor of viola instead of comedy, although if you ask me, the viola is still a joke.
    1. My stand partner was an orchestra student teacher. He was a cellist but he wanted to improve his viola abilities, so he decided to join the orchestra of middle schoolers.
    2. At a particularly dull point of time, I showed him my blank watch and commented, “I think I need a new watch.” He told me about a friend of his who has a girlfriend named Dora. Dora has short black hair. Dora is Mexican. Dora looks just like Dora the Explorer. So he says.
12. Now, I believe the Dora watch is dead.
    1. Though the watch is gone, the memories I had with that dear watch will last forever.
    2. Besmah will probably be pleased that my watch is gone.
    3. No hablo mucho en español, pero puedo contar las diez.
    4. Tony is now one of my best friends. I’m hoping after reading this, he will buy me a new watch. My birthday is August 15th. You should bookmark that Tony.
       1. I’ll be waiting.