I'm starting to figure out why I have so much trouble with my songwriting. It's clear that I hold myself to a very high standard, and I get annoyed when I can't reach it.
What is this standard that I hold myself to? I may be holding myself up to my father's standard for music. Any time I try to show him any of the "modern" music I listen to, he never likes it. He called Kate Bush "boring music with an awkward voice", said the Beatles "were better before they tried doing more rock", and in general calls most of what I listen to "trash". Then he shows me classical and Balkan music, and talks about how much more "mature" the music is and how it's "better when the lyrics are in a different language".
It leaves me confused, because I agree, but I don't. I will listen to Cold War Kids forever, and he can never take that away from me. However, I do agree with him about how a lot of classic rock is boring. I love the style, but trying to listen to the music alone on my iPod is close to unbearable. To me it just seems like "let's use guitars and play 4 chords and wear silly outfits and try to be sexually provocative!"
But here's the problem. When I try to listen to his preferred music, I can't do that either. Listening to classical music on its own seems soft and plain. Listening to folk music is no fun when you're not at a party.
Then, when I go back to my own music (which is along the lines of indie rock), I can't listen to that either.
Right now the only bands I can listen to are Cold War Kids, the late Beatles, and a few other musicians who are so strange, there's no way I could coherently try to replicate their music without synthesizers and a recording studio.
Anyhow, I'm still going to try writing my songs. I have a feeling that I will be able to complete this project so long as I just believe in myself and get it done. It's just that I need to work out the feelings that make me insecure about my songwriting if I ever want to be willing to share my songs. I think that talking about these things are important.
I'm almost done with my Type 6 song, I'm working on Type 9, and I'm reading Type 8. Just have to keep going.
I'm so confused, I don't even know how to state my issues. So please ignore the fact that this post is completely incoherent.
I'm having trouble thinking of good lyrics. Since I'm trying to express a type, I always feel like writing stories told from a first person point of view that state the obvious.
Let me try to work through my lyrics. Perhaps I can figure out where my confusion is leading from, or maybe one of you guys can figure it out.
This is how the verse starts.
I play guitar
So I can be
Like a real musician
I wear my hair
Over my eyes
So I seem indifferent
This seems pretty decent to me. After this of course, I got stuck so I started putting what fit for stereotypical 3s.
I'll play that part
Whatever you want
Is what I do
Now, I like "I'll play that part". The rest I'm not so hot about.
Would you put that gold star on my neck?
My strange form of symbolism. Since 3s view achievements as love and kissing someone's neck is a very romantic gesture, I thought it'd be clever. Maybe?
Kisses sterling gold
Show me the prize
Show me your love
I don't like the way "Kisses sterling gold" flows. I tried to follow the idea of the above phrase, but I'm not sure how well it works in this context. The next two lines work, and I think I like them.
Do do do do do
Do do do do do do
This is "I don't know what to put, and I don't care enough to find words, and I'm just going to hum it."
Next comes the guitar solo.
Back to the second verse.
I speak loudly
So I can be
Like a broadway star
Dress so pretty
It's a pity
So I play the part
"Dress so pretty, it's a pity" makes no sense to me, but it seemed like the best I could do.
Now that I'm out of my basement listening to the recording, I'm realizing hey, this isn't as bad as I thought. It's actually kind of catchy. I kind of like it.
I don't know how to word myself. Which is funny, because wording myself is something I do constantly. Maybe if I make a list of what I think I'm doing wrong.
When I try to use metaphor or poetic language, it silly, and not quite right
I try to keep my chords simple, but quickly they seem repetitive. Maybe I'm not making good melody lines?
I still don't know how to flow sections into one another. I steal from songs, but I'm trying to find the line between being inspired and ripping off a song completely. The problem is, stealing bits and pieces doesn't make a whole. Thus, I have many sections that don't flow.
Even when I start out/steal good rhythms, I end up in plain old 4/4,
After a while, I get so disheartened, I just end up playing Cold War Kids songs, because they're so much freaking better than mine and I have so much more fun singing them.
Can I just make covers of Cold War Kids songs for my project? No! I can't give up. All I need is a good night's sleep. Then, I can come at this with a fresh start, and maybe I'll feel better.
Today, I've been making more gradual progress. I've started writing the song for Type 6, and it's coming out to be pretty cool, even though I'm not working with any particularly interesting rhythms. The chorus (I think it will be the chorus) goes like this
You say a lot of funny things so brave and bold
Now tell me all the little things you've never told
Brave and bold sound a bit funny to me, but it seems generally effective so I'll hold onto it. It's just a matter of fitting in all the sections and making it coherent. This is something I have a good amount of difficulty with
Because I'm trying so many songs in such short time (what do we have, 6 weeks?) they've all been pretty short and sweet. My goal is to try my best to get the 9, even if I only get about 1 or 2 good songs out of it. How many people can say they make their first full-length album at 15? Ok, maybe Kate Bush. But not the point. If all goes well, I hope to record both songs on Sunday. If not, I hope to record at least one.
Since this past week hasn't been treating me so well, I've decided to try and lay off the overwhelming workload by taking things piece by piece. I've temporarily halted my research so I can focus on what I've already learned. Also, I'm going to try to get to bed a lot earlier. Thus, a short post for today. Perhaps for the future too. Depends on my feelings/time day to day.
4 days in and this project is already driving me crazy.
Perhaps it's not smart for me to work heavily on my project considering I have not one, but two All-State auditions to prepare for, not to mention that I'm still a student in high school (which has been really getting in the way). I really just can't help but work on it. I can't help but work on everything. And I love it.
But it's been taking a toll on me already. Every time I'm in class and my teacher turns their back, I'm out with my book on The Enneagram. I finish my quizzes early just to read. I rush through assignments, just to read. Perhaps I'm trying to rush through the book too fast, but my own enthusiasm is pushing me quickly, and I figure it's best to go with my internal flow.
My enthusiasm is my best friend, and my worst enemy.
It's probably bad that I've been dozing off during school, but to me, it's no different than when I'm working on a school musical and I'm working all hours of the day. I love it. It kills me. But enough of my obsessive habits.
One thing I've been doing during my project is trying to find people in my own life who fit the Enneagram types, and understanding them better, being a better friend. Learning about the way people work has made me so insightful of others, and I'm beginning to realize the way I treat people is much more hurtful to them then I thought,
I have a friend, who is definitely a Type 3. She's obsessed with grades, tries to get brownie points with teachers, and tries to be the best in a group. Personally, I tend to have trouble with these kinds of people because to me they seem shallow, obnoxious, and selfish. Often with this friend I'd make sarcastic comments, like "Oh no, you only got a 99?" Come on, we've all done it.
After reading the chapter on Type 3 though, my opinions started to change. There are people in the world who work at material gains because that's what they learned, and that's what their scope is. When you insult a person for this, it actually really hurts them, because they view their achievements as the only thing that gives them worth.
Perhaps that might've been obvious if I looked further, but that really gave me a punch in the face. First, it told me that people believe in much different values than I do. Secondly, it taught me to be accepting of such values, for the desire to success is no less important my desire to gain insight on the world. Also, I do the same thing, to a certain extent.
Today, me and my Type 3 friend were working on an English paper in the computer lab. I finished my paper at 2 and a half pages. She was already at 3 pages, still with much more left to write.
Her: "Ellen, how do you keep your papers so short?"
Me: "I try to find what's important and focus on that."
Her: "But everything seems so important."
As a Type 3, of course she's the kind of person who will fluff her assignments until they hit proper length with information that seems fitting to what the teacher wants. I expected that. What I didn't expect what when she asked me,
"Do you think you can read over my work? I'm trying to get better at focusing on the important subjects. I don't want to make an overly long paper."
Following my goal to be a better and more understanding friend, I said yes.
Her: "Are you sure? It's probably going to be around 5 pages."
Me: "I think I can handle it. I love revising papers." (True fact! Student grammar hurts my brain, I can't help but fix it.)
Her: "Thank you so much!"
Who knew that taking on an art project would make me a better person?
Oy vey, I'm thinking so much I'm nearly forgetting about the music itself. I have my Type 3 song almost whole, and I've been experiencing with some fun effects on my amp. My goal is to record it on Sunday, even if it's not finished. Because I'm trying to make so much music in so little time, I need to be efficient, and set myself hard deadlines.
The only issue I'm having is with lyrics. A lot of my lyrics are contrived and obvious, and to be honest, I'm thinking about throwing out my song altogether. On the other hand, there are some parts I like, so I don't want to give up yet. Focusing on a Type 3's ability to take on other personas in order to get ahead and losing identity is what I'm really focusing on. The first verse goes like this.
I play guitar
So I can be
Like a real musician
I wear my hair
Over my eyes
So I seem indifferent
Ok, maybe it's corny. But it's honest, and I kind of like it, especially in 5/4. I'm starting to really trip over myself though.
Alright I've been typing for about 25 minutes and I still have to practice for All-State so I think it's time for me to end this. But tune in tomorrow!
Today, I've spent a lot of time trying to make sense of a large amount of information. Before I work too fan on my songs, I believe I need to acquire a full understanding of the personality type for which I'm writing about. After reading up on Enneagrams though, it seems like it's one of those things where in order for me to understand any time of personality I must learn ALL the types of personalities because they're so intertwined. At least I need to learn the 3 basic types (Type 3, Type 6, Type 9).
With this motivation, I've been reading through my book at record speed, already having read through Type 3 and Type 6, and now starting Type 9. Even though it feels a bit rushed for me, I figure that once I get the concepts, I can go back and look in detail about the personality type I'm focusing on.
After learning more knowledge, I've found myself asking many questions that are leaving me deeply conflicted.
Does every person start as a clean slate, only to be warped and manipulated by the people around them into becoming scarred and damaged?
Why are the aspects of each personality viewed so negatively?
Is there a way that human could not possibly be damaged by their environment?
Why can't parents just freaking love their children?
This is almost existential crisis over here. Perhaps we just have to accept that everyone becomes "scarred" over time. But I almost don't agree.
To me, it seems like normal human adaptation. A person adjusts themselves to the environment that they live in. If that's the case though, why are we trying so hard to go back to the clean slate of childhood?
Does a clean slate even exist?
To me, this idea of a clean slate seems purely an ideal. I'm sure a child wouldn't say they feel open to everything in the world, that they're completely fearless.
Some of the personality traits that we acquire in this way are detrimental to us. That I understand. That is what I find the most fascinating about unconscious psychology. What I'm wondering is why are we expected to reach a goal that couldn't possibly exist?
My theory is that a person's personality is determined by three factors
Initial personality (one we are born with)
A person's environment
General human nature
Maybe my project is about proving the theory of the enneagram wrong but the concept of the enneagram right. Maybe I'm trying to figure just what truly makes a person, a person. Maybe I'm trying to figure out if I'm a person, instead of a monster.
I've been making progress on my song for Type 3. But I think I'll save talking about that for tomorrow.
Yesterday when I was sitting in class, I started to brainstorm possible projects I could do with the plentiful time that I had. What could I do with music?
That's when the idea popped into my head. Make a concept album based off of the Enneagram. 9 personalities. 9 songs. Perfect.
I'm just going to start by posting my fill in for the outline. I'll probably update it over the course of the project as things change. For now, these are my beginning goals.
Project: The Enneagram
Artistic Intention/Terrain of Inquiry
Why do people act the way they do?
How to people develop psychological defenses?
How do our psychological defenses destroy our lives?
How can you learn to understand others?
Is it possible for us to tap into our full potential as a human being?
Technical Intention
Practicing stealing from other musicians
Making songs that are whole (that don't sound pasted together)
Experimenting with genres and the fusion of such
Learning more music theory to add flavor to my songs
Working in a recording studio with technology and equipment
Gaining confidence to perform my music live and giving good stage presence
Influences
The Enneagram (of course)
Freudian psychology
Rock/Pop musicians (Cold War Kids, The Beatles, Kate Bush, Tune-Yards, St. Vincent, Gorillaz)
Some Jazz (like the song Take 5)
Balkan Brass (Veveritse, Slavic Soul Party)
Community
Cheerleaders: Emily, Jessica, Anika, and all the other lovely people at the back corner lunch table
Coaches: Luke, I suppose
Sounding Boards: Scott, and anyone else who cares to listen
Commiserators: My parents (they're GREAT to complain to/enthuse with because we agree on everything. I suppose that's what they raised me for).
Me:
Moral support (at the moment)
Process Documentation:
Lots and lots of notes in my notebook (and other places)
Recordings of songs (which I hope to generate)
Outline of Enneagram system (which I hope to post with due time, perhaps when I finish the book I am reading)
This blog
Let me start from the beginning of the project as I've worked on it so far.
I'd say the work on this project really started for me when I first listened to "Robbers and Cowards" by Cold War Kids. Even though I've been a fan of them ever since Phil Jimenez introduced me to them last year, I never listened to their first album until now. For me, it's a complete and utter game changer.
There are so many things in that album Cold War Kids does right, even though the songs often have no more than 3 chords. With the simplicity, they made great melodies, catchy rhythms, and songs that really stick with out.
My favorite songs on the album in particular are "Hang Me Out to Dry" (2 chords) and "Saint John" (maybe 3 chords?). "Saint John" in particular was the greatest game changer for me.
One problem I have with most rock music is its simple sound, simple rhythms, and general irritatingness over long periods of time. I've been frustrated with myself ever since I started making music because I couldn't help but fall into this very trap. It's made me believe that my songs are mediocre, causing me to try to create complexity that I couldn't do because I simply was not at a high level of skill.
Then, I heard this song. Almost no chord progression, same melody all the way through, but it was amazing. The chanting, the rhythm, the passion. I figured this song may even reach father approval level (he's usually my standard for real quality music).
So I showed it to my dad. He noticed something very interesting. The song had ragtime rhythm, where the beat could be counted in 2 or 3 at the same time. This simple little song is more complex than most generic pop music.
Heck, I can do something like that.
Thus I set my goal for the project: songs with complex rhythms and not complex chord progressions, great melodies, and experimentation with different genres.
As soon as I set my mind on this project, I literally could not stop thinking about possible songs. I started hearing melodic riffs in my head and noting them down via writing and audio recording on my phone. On the first day I had an idea about what 4 of my songs were going to sound like. One sounds like Cold War Kids, one sounds Balkan, one sounds 20s theatre, and one sounds cool jazz. Will I use these all? Probably not, but it's sure a good start.
I've been going crazy over this project already. Today in school, I found myself almost completely unable to focus because I had so many sounds, words, and information, moving through my head at the same time.
Reading into the enneagrams, I've even started being more perceptive of people. I feel a warmer, bluish feeling around everyone.
Now to get to what I was working on today. After reading the introduction to the enneagram system (which I will write more in depth about once I gain a greater understanding and I have more time to write), I decided to start with learning about personality #3. One of the theories of the enneagram is the way it works in threes, so that type 3, 6, and 9 are the main types, and the other numbers are variations. Type 3 is obsessed with feelings, type 6 with fear/paranoia, and type 9 with anger/frustration.
While remembering the random music riffs I though of last night, I started to hear a piano playing in 5/4 time signature for type 3. Based on my goals of learning various genres and music as well as extending music theory knowledge, I decided heck, why not give a song in 5/4 a shot. As long as I keep the chords simple, I think I can handle it.
After looking over my notes, I figured out a basic chord progression from the song. It starts with an Em7, slides into a D bar chord without the third finger for a G6. Then, I follow that with placing back down the 3rd finger for a D major.
I knew I couldn't write a song in 5/4 without listening to "Take 5" first. When I listened to it though, I realized how much I stole. I also realized, this is ok, because any jazz-like song in 5/4 is Take 5, and if I add my own variations it becomes a creature of my own.
The problem here was writing lyrics. Who thought it'd be so hard to fit words into 5/4? The English language is definitely not meant for 5/4. My mind is going between jazz like melodies and rap like chanting, as well as multiple personas in the same song. I'm trying to avoid multiple personas in my songs because that makes them confusing to perform, but I'll just see where this one leads me.
Although this 5/4 is a challenge (and probably an unnecessary one), I'm having way to much fun to quit yet. I'll just see how it grows.
