I did it again. I did an entire crazy self-produced project again.
And now that I did it again, I completely understand why I was so traumatized the first time, and why I abandoned music completely.
Making art product isn't just difficult. It's extremely difficult.
When I made the transition between creating for my blog and creating for my book, I did not realize how drastic it would be. Creating for my blog was a lot of fun for me. Even when I wrote something bad one day, I would have fun writing something else the next day. I kept it up for 100 days. That's a significant achievement. People enjoyed reading my blog. I even had someone find me during school to tell me how much she liked it.
Writing was my way of making sense of the world. It helped me contextualize my thoughts, and it also gave unpresidented solutions to my current conundrums. Writing was a way of mentally filing my thoughts about the things I could not discuss.
When I started the book, I stopped my daily creative writing because I simply lacked the time and energy. And I do miss it.
In the beginning of the project, I started seeing the same problems I encountered two years ago that I completely forgot about. Stress. Burnout. Time constraints. Perfectionism. Criticism.
It felt like Deja Vu, and in more ways than one. I realized that my last two years of high school were quite similar to my first two years of high school. They both began with an emotional crisis, and ended in a massive final project. Even many of the events in between are similar, but I don't want to get into details.
I was afraid that I would run into the same issues again. However, as I reflected further, I saw that I had fixed many of the mistakes I made in my first two years of high school. Instead of being depressed, I was happy. Instead of passing off school work, I was achieving the highest grades I'd ever received in my life. Instead of destroying my social relationships, I was healing them.
And now, I was going to do this project the right way.
My primary goal became to avoid burnout while still making a worthwhile project. In many respects, I succeeded. In other respects, I failed miserably. There were nights where I only got four hours of sleep because I couldn't get the project out of my mind. There were times where I ranted about all the work I had to do, probably for longer than I should've. However, I never yelled, I still did all my homework for my classes, plus my other STAC projects, and I even managed a social life in between.
Today was a rough day, and I must admit I didn't maintain my composure the whole time. In addition to feeling the final day pressure of the project, I was also attempting to sign up for my college classes for the first time (of course all the classes I wanted to take were full, and I somehow managed to place into Intermediate Spanish even though I've never taken a Spanish course in my life), I screwed up my homework for my behavior economics seminar, and my brother got me an oreo smoothie even though I don't like chocolate. Small things, but when the pressure is already built up, it's very easy to explode. I took a nap while listening to obscenely happy music, and thankfully that calmed me down before I started becoming really emotional.
That's the thing about emotions. Sometimes your mind has to say "Look, I know you feel upset right now, but you really have to calm down or else you may do something you'll regret later. The feelings will pass. You do not need to act upon them." Then you go and do a mindless activity you enjoy, like sleeping, or browsing Pinterest, or reading a book, and it's all okay in the end.
So I did a better job taking care of myself emotionally, and that's great. However, that's not the most important thing I learned during this project.
No. The most important thing I learned was having my own opinions.
I made the cover for my book, and I showed it to a bunch of people because I thought it looked quite nice. Most people agreed. However, I had a friend who told me he didn't like the green boxes because they looked "old fashioned, too much like 2006 graphic design." I was also told that my cover was not very relevant to my book, and the bland alternative cover I created was a better choice because it was more relevant.
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| Bland Alternative Cover |
I told Luke these concerns, and his response was something along the lines of "2006? What the heck was graphic design like in 2006? Does this kid even know what he's talking about? I don't think these opinions are helping you. You don't need these opinions. You shouldn't even ask for these opinions. You can decide things for yourself."
Most people hearing that would probably agree and move on. But me? I nearly started crying, precisely because this is an issue I've been having a lot of difficulty with, not only as an artist but as a human being.
I realized that I seek confirmation in nearly everything that I do. And I mean everything. Art opinions, political opinions, opinions about school, opinions about what I should be doing in college, opinions about other people, even opinions about how hungry I feel in my own stomach.
As I went home that day, I thought about how I feel pressured by the people around me who tell me what I should do and think. I also thought about how I often attach myself to these kinds of people intentionally. If I don't like the pressure, why do I keep inviting people to come in and push me around?
I think that deep down, my fear was that I wasn't a good person. Left to my own devices, I feared that I would make the mistakes I always make that cause pain to myself and others.
However, after meditating to myself, I saw that deep down, I am not a bad person. My animal instincts are not nihilistic. I make mistakes as much as anybody else does.
Perhaps I felt that if other people decided things for me, I could blame my mistakes on them, and therefore not feel as bad about myself.
I thought about the times that people asked for my opinion, and I said things that were outright junk just to prove that I had something valid to say. If that was what I did for other people, isn't that exactly what people were doing to me? Most of the opinions people were giving me were probably half-assed, just a statement to prove they had something to say. Why do I need other people's half-assed opinions when I have my own? In fact, my own opinions are probably better for me, because I know myself better than others know me, and therefore I have an ability to make better choices for myself.
I'm starting to internalize a lot of things. Many say internalization is bad, and I would agree with that in most cases. For me however, I think internalization is empowerment. It's basically me saying, "I have these thoughts and opinions, and I'm not even going to say them because I don't care what you think."
Sharing invites opinion. Always. There will always be people who need to give some kind of response, even when it's not welcome. That's why it is good to be careful with your words.
I must admit, when I began this post, I planned to talk about how completing a massive project puts you into a state of shock that borders on existential crisis. But now, I'm feeling more optimistic.
Does this book have mistakes? Probably. Are there things I could have done better? Oh yeah.
But the most important thing is that I have matured a lot, and the lessons I learned during the process of completing this project will make me a better person for the rest of my life.
As I went home that day, I thought about how I feel pressured by the people around me who tell me what I should do and think. I also thought about how I often attach myself to these kinds of people intentionally. If I don't like the pressure, why do I keep inviting people to come in and push me around?
I think that deep down, my fear was that I wasn't a good person. Left to my own devices, I feared that I would make the mistakes I always make that cause pain to myself and others.
However, after meditating to myself, I saw that deep down, I am not a bad person. My animal instincts are not nihilistic. I make mistakes as much as anybody else does.
Perhaps I felt that if other people decided things for me, I could blame my mistakes on them, and therefore not feel as bad about myself.
I thought about the times that people asked for my opinion, and I said things that were outright junk just to prove that I had something valid to say. If that was what I did for other people, isn't that exactly what people were doing to me? Most of the opinions people were giving me were probably half-assed, just a statement to prove they had something to say. Why do I need other people's half-assed opinions when I have my own? In fact, my own opinions are probably better for me, because I know myself better than others know me, and therefore I have an ability to make better choices for myself.
I'm starting to internalize a lot of things. Many say internalization is bad, and I would agree with that in most cases. For me however, I think internalization is empowerment. It's basically me saying, "I have these thoughts and opinions, and I'm not even going to say them because I don't care what you think."
Sharing invites opinion. Always. There will always be people who need to give some kind of response, even when it's not welcome. That's why it is good to be careful with your words.
I must admit, when I began this post, I planned to talk about how completing a massive project puts you into a state of shock that borders on existential crisis. But now, I'm feeling more optimistic.
Does this book have mistakes? Probably. Are there things I could have done better? Oh yeah.
But the most important thing is that I have matured a lot, and the lessons I learned during the process of completing this project will make me a better person for the rest of my life.
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