Acting = Pain

They say that anyone can act regardless of experience. That's bull.

Acting is hard because it's one of those things that's supposed to come naturally but you really don't know how to get to it naturally. It's sort of like attempting to split when you're not flexible. You know your legs are supposed to go down all the way, but it just doesn't work. After the acting class today I think I'm starting to get the idea though. Acting is supposed to feel real even when the situations you're playing out are not real at all. Most of it is based imagination and expectations.

"What are you thinking right now? What were you just imagining in your head?" When Luke asked these questions, I shut down. It's hard to describe your daydreams. It's like night dreaming.  You usually forget after you wake up. Also, a lot like night dreams, you really don't want to tell people what was going through your head.

A funny thing I've noticed is whenever people ask me what I'm thinking about, my mind automatically triggers to the things I DON'T want to tell them. Then those thoughts take over what I was actually thinking about, and to avoid revealing something negative, I freeze.

I thought that was was hard. After the questions, there was the stealing of the hat. Oh boy. That was much worse. I tried to approach the task with Bold Optimism, as we always say. But it was very discouraging.

So we had to go and act out stealing a hat. Considering the fact I had not much in the way of acting experience or stealing experience, I sucked. Really badly. It was hard for me to imagine myself in a situation in which I was stealing something. I imagined myself at music camp sneaking into my bunk at 12 AM at night to pick up a hat before the late night party, something that wouldn't be totally crazy (since everyone usually stayed up until 3). It didn't seem real though. Nothing I could think up seemed concrete, and I was lost in an open space.

Luke kept saying "Make it real Ellen!" I tried, I really did. I knew what I was doing was bad, but I didn't have a clue how to make it better. I tried again and again, but I was only met with more failure. I admit, I was getting frustrated. Luke wasn't making any sense to me and no matter what I tried, it turned out to be crap. Plus everyone was laughing their head off at me. I knew this was supposed to help me improve, so I braved through it. That doesn't mean I enjoyed it though. It was awful.

Then Luke screamed "HURRY UP ELLEN WE DON'T HAVE ALL DAY!" My feelings went from frustrated to guilty, and more importantly, scared. I knew I had to get the goddamn thing over with. So I ran over, grabbed the hat and ran.

And THEN I got it. I was nervous about getting in trouble, so I ran over and got the hat. Clever clever.

Now I understand how acting is supposed to feel like. It's supposed to feel JUST as real as the actual thing. The thing I need to learn now is how to access that on my own without a teacher screaming at me. That's the skill.

This experience hasn't scared me off from acting though. In fact, it's opened a door in a way. I was putting myself into unpleasant situations, and even though it was painful, there was something oddly exciting about it. Maybe it's the thrill of the challenge, the way you want to prove that you can conquer the pain and use your body to its full ability. Whatever it is, I like it, and I'm ready for blood sweat and tears. Bring it.