Personal Style

The post that I am about to embark on is going to be strange and abstract, but it is absolutely related to my artistic process and development.

The more I make art, the more I am coming to understand that art is a metaphor for the self. One comes to understand themselves through art, and art improves through understanding of oneself. It also comes through artistic technique, speaking of which, I just used chiasmus in that previous sentence.

Technical understanding of the craft is absolutely important, and I don't mean to diminish its value. That is why I feel conflicted over the issue of art and the self.

When I say art and the self, I am basically talking about autobiographical art.

Of course all art is autobiographical. However, there is a difference between art that is explicitly autobiographical and art that attempts to be universal.

I feel conflicted over the concept of autobiographical art. Part of me wonders why I should care so much about another person's generally average life. In comparison to the livid world of fiction, personal stories are definitely less adventurous and more monotonous. On the other hand, I've read autobiographical art that I've greatly enjoyed, partially because of its relatable banality.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I read Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh. The book is composed of written stories and accompanying cartoons about Brosh's life. Though Brosh's life is remarkably average, she shared her stories in a humorous and touching way, which made them worth reading.

After reading her book, I decided to spoof her technique in a blogpost called My Depression, named after a story in her book with the very same title.

Some say art is therapy, and that post was most certainly therapeutic. After I completed it, not only did I I have a better comprehension of my own depression, but also I had a closer understanding of myself.

This week I did two other posts that were directly related to myself. One was a time capsule letter and the other was a series of diagrams depicting my physical characteristics at different points in my life.

I think it was especially helpful for me to make these autobiographical pieces, because of the nature of my personality. I feel as if I have many personalities living within me at once, and this causes internal conflict. Sometimes I'm caring, other times I'm cynical. Sometimes I'm assertive, other times I'm shamefully passive. Sometimes I'm mature, other times I'm childish. What is Ellen? What is Ellen-esque art?

And that is how this relates back to my process. I believe that a better knowledge of the self leads to a more coherent style of art. Pushing off from that, I think a coherent style makes it easier to formulate more pieces in the future. If you already have a sense of what you want to create, all you have to do is physically get it done.

I've been creating art for years now, and I still can't put a finger down on what my style is, just like I can't dedicate myself to a single personality. I think there is a disparity between who I want to be and who I actually am. I want to be tough enough to assert my opinions with snarky wit, but gentle enough to avoid stubborness and show genuine care for others. That might not even be possible to have in one human being, but that's what I want.

The reality is, I'm a pretty sensitive person. Though I love to be outgoing and loud, certain types of teasing can instantly undermine me, such as jokes about my physical appearance (which I have limited control over) or overall personality (as opposed to specific stupid things that I do, which is usually valid material). When people catch me offguard, I freeze, and then I feel embarrassed. Later, I think of what I could have said to defend myself, and I'm ashamed of letting myself be demoralized. In addition, I have issues with debilitating guilt. Guilt is the negative emotion that controls my life the most, more than anger or depression. It can impede my ability to live in the moment. Guilt and sensitivity are probably my most negative characteristics, at least that I am aware of. I've been told that I occasionally say things that are insensitive to others. What can I do? I'm only human.

Despite the fact that I'm trying to be a dozen people at once, there are certainly unifying themes in my art that I am beginning to identify. That's why I was able to write a successful artist's bio, which many of you read.

I'm in the process of developing my personal taste, which is quite helpful in defining my own style. Though I generally like a lot of what I see, I am starting to like certain things more than others, and those things are entering into my work. The more I develop my taste, the more empowered I feel, and the greater self-esteem that I have.

When I feel a weaker self-esteem than usual, I've discovered that I criticize my art the same way I criticize myself. "It's weird. It's creepy. It's annoying. No one will like it." Replace "it" with "me" and you get a good sense of my negative self-talk. On the other hand, doing art can help me with my self-esteem, especially when it ends up good.

I also find that general living is a great way to find out who I am. The more I live, the better I get at living. It's all a matter of practice.

So, as part of my artistic development, I am going to make a serious effort to develop my personal style by defining my preferences and strengthening my self esteem.