I must be honest. I did not want to vlog. I'm not a huge fan of the idea of vlogging. Danny has asked me to make youtube videos with him a number of times, and I've denied him. The thought of it made me a bit sick in fact.
Why would I have such a strong aversion to vlogging? There are two reasons. First of all, I don't like the idea of committing myself to regular posting for a vlog. What if I decide I don't feel like vlogging anymore? What if I decide I want to vlog about something else? If you are making a youtube with the intention of getting noticed, you have to decide exactly what you're doing in one moment, and then commit yourself to that one thing for a sustained period of time until you get noticed. Then, once you get noticed, people begin to expect a certain thing from you that you are now obligated to deliver. They expect you to always be that person who makes the videos, and if you ever want to leave, even temporarily, they will think you are being unreasonable.
The second aversion I had to vlogging is the idea of trying to garner support. Personally, I'm not someone who browses youtube videos for fun. I prefer activities like reading, watching television, or playing my instruments. I used to be very involved in watching youtube videos, and I think it sucked away a chunk of my life. I'm afraid I'll be sucked right back in if I even start to browse. Now, if I don't want to watch youtube videos, why would I expect other people to watch my youtube videos? That's a double standard right there.
After feeling pressured to make art when I felt uncomfortable, I'm sick of working by other people's standards. I'm sick of how people expect every little interest of mine to be turned into a career. I'm sick of not being allowed to experiment and change my mind. I'm only seventeen years old. I'm too young to commit to something for the rest of my life.
Last week, I felt a strong desire to write. About what? I didn't know. All I knew is that I wanted to write. So I took my journal, and I started putting words. Eventually I ended up writing what ended up being a post called Jane Winkle, satirizing young teenage girls. It was so much fun, I started to create new writing exercises for myself daily. I've been writing everyday since.
Before, I felt afraid to choose anything. Not only was there the fear of commitment, but also, I had the fear that I wouldn't be good enough. I felt the gap between my taste and my work, the common symptom of a young artist, and it frustrated me.
At this point though, I've decided that my desire to create surpasses my ability to feel self-conscious. Do I like everything I make? No. Do I even think it's even good? Only occasionally. But at this point, I don't care. I write because I like writing, regardless of whether it's good or bad. I want people to enjoy it, but at this point I don't feel the need to advertise myself. I don't know if I want to become a youtuber, or a comedian, or what. All I know is that I have the primitive desire to write, and I will pursue it, because I really don't have anything else better to do.
I made a vlog from my writing because it was easily transferable. The video making process was surprisingly painless, and I even started to enjoy it partway through. Having the vlog be required takes a large burden off of my shoulders. I don't have to worry about issues of commitment or seeking an audience, because my homework makes videos mandatory and my classmates act as my audience.
Basically, I'm treating everything I'm doing now as an experiment. I'm giving it my best for as long as I feel like it. I plan on making my youtube channel Ellen Speaks, a counterpoint to my blog which I will call Ellen Writes. I'm hoping to move my blog to another platform other than blogspot, because blogspot is not very aesthetically pleasing. I may maintain my blog on multiple sites so I can use hashtags and spread it. Maybe a Tumblr and a Wordpress. I have a friend who uses Squarespace for his own writing blog, and perhaps I'll give that a try. I don't know. Many of my ideas I end up throwing out the window, and I'm starting to cope with that fact. I say these things but I could say something else tomorrow. And that's okay, because I'm just a seventeen year old high school student.
And so, this is my first vlog. I hope you enjoy watching it, because I did end up having fun making it. Maybe at some point I will try to get a better quality camera. Maybe I'll work harder to have a good appearance by looking straight in the camera. Also, I notice that my annunciation can be poor at times and my lisp comes out. That's a good thing to know regardless of how much I vlog.
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