3 Years of Blogging: A Reflection Thus Far

In the process of revitalizing our blogs for better PR, I have read through many of my old posts. It's similar to reading through old pages in a diary, especially for some of my more emotional posts, most of which I have deleted by now.

The Art of Mindless Rambling
Back in the early days of my blog, I would think about an abstract concept I wanted to put into words, and I started to write. My writing lacked direction, but in the end I redeemed myself. Some people ask me, "Why do you blog so much? Why do you blog?" The answer is, I blog to understand. Putting thoughts into words brings understanding and control to the world around you. Personally, I believe that analyzation is an important and necessary step in the development process.

When you analyze and reflect on your actions,

1. You figure out what is right or wrong for you
2. You figure out WHY things are right or wrong
3. You use this knowledge to see what you have to develop, and then you can target certain areas

When you analyze and reflect on the world around you,

1. You understand why people behave the way they do
2. You learn how to fit yourself into the complex system of living
3. You become more confident in your opinions because you can back them up with evidence

When you write without direction,

1. You make your thoughts seem more physical, which is empowering
2. You discover the solutions to your problems by working them out step by step
3. Random statements can inspire new ideas

Even right now, I don't know where this point is going to end up. I'm just writing and hoping I figure out something amazing.

There are a number of things that I am proud of in those posts. I was astonished by the complexity of my thinking and the prose I had when I was just 15 years old, such as this one I wrote.

"There's a third thing that affects a person's emotions. What happens in their body that they're not even aware of. Teenagers are known for often having mood swings because of their raging hormones. Girls get PMS. It's beyond our control.

Even though our minds are so strong, we are still at the will of our basic animal habits. Instead of our mind guiding our bodies, our bodies guide our mind, and they don't have the common sense that the mind does.

Sometimes I think the emotions we feel are false."

Clever stuff. There's more, but my brain is too mush at the moment to look it up.

Presentability
I've encountered two main issues with the presentations of my blog posts. One is a bit of an antithesis. Because many of my posts lacked direction, I don't know how to categorize them, how to explain them, or how to make them more appealing to the reader. I have clever thoughts jumbled with nonsense, and deciphering those thoughts would take me a lot of time, perhaps more time than I'm interested in spending. At the moment, I am working on making my posts briefer, more organized, and more visual.

The other is the emotionality of my posts.

I'm just going to say this and get it out of the way. In my first two years of high school, I was seriously depressed. There was no one specific reason. It was a culmination of a number of issues in my life at the time. Yes, I did think everyone in STAC hated me at the time. Ironic isn't it? Now you see why Luke jabs me about it. But you see, I didn't understand what was happening to me, and I didn't know how to reach out for the help I needed to understand.

My STAC Blog became my main line of communication when I had none. I'm thankful that I had support through my writing, and it got me through a very difficult time in my life. However, I am now uncomfortable about how intimate many of the blogposts were. That's why I've deleted many of them.

The Past
As a senior in high school, I've been forced to do much reflecting. Last weekend I spent my Saturday answering a questionnaire given by my social studies teacher, in order to get a recommendation letter. I thought about questions such as "How have you changed since 9th grade? What is one of your biggest achievements? Biggest regrets?" There is much to say about how I've changed and improved.

However, I don't think I'm done yet. I have one more year and I have very particular battles that I have to fight before I'm ready to move on in my life. Right now, that battle is the recent past.

Another thing to get out of the way. Earlier last year, I decided to quit the idea of becoming a professional musician. This is because I seemed like I was playing music only because I FELT like I should, and not because I actually wanted to. When I finally chose to do things because I wanted to, that's basically when my depression ended.

Still, I haven't come to full terms with quitting music yet. When I see videos about artists, it makes me nervous. When people ask me to perform, I usually say no because I don't want to make myself committed. Generally, being around music in an artistic and creative way still gives me anxiety.

I've tried to logically think my way out of it but to no avail. I know that I can create art without wanting to become a professional artist, but this thought does not comfort me as much as it should.

Even for my college essay, in which I explained that I became much happier once I stopped music, my English teacher commented to me, "It seems like this essay lacks closure." To that I retorted, "It lacks closure because I lack closure." He laughed so hard he almost did a spit take. The irony is humorous, and I laugh at it myself, but the distress is not.

There is something I haven't coped with somewhere. And that's what I need to deal with this year so I can move on with the rest of my life.