Train

Today I quickly glanced over some of the scripts I have written, and I rediscovered a script I wrote called "Train." It's pretty good, but if people could offer me some advice, that would be much appreciated.

_________

INT. Train

Beth is sitting on a train by herself. A few seats up, two men are sitting and talking.

Man 1

Can you believe what Beth did today?

Man 2

She always does stuff like that.

MAN 1

It still baffles me how she's able to go out there and make such a fool of herself.

MAN 2

I don't get it.

MAN 1

I can't stand it. She always parades around like she knows it all but no one actually likes her.

Beth leans her ears in.

MAN 2

Why does she wear such revealing clothing when she can't pull it off?

MAN 1

It's gross.

MAN 2

She's not even that attractive.

Beth stares at her own outfit. She pulls her shirt down.

MAN 1

I heard last week she was sitting at home alone, crying over a bottle.

MAN 2

Oh Beth, that girl is a lost cause.

MAN 1

I can't even have a normal conversation without her making me feel uncomfortable.

MAN 2

In what way?

MAN 1

In many ways.

Slowly, Beth reclines in her chair.

MAN 1

But you know what it is that I can't stand the most?

MAN 2

What?

MAN 1

The way that she still thinks she has some kind of hope of being a likable person.

Beth stands up from her seat and walks over to the men.

Beth

Excuse me. I don't know what kind of trick you're trying to play but you really need to stop.

MAN 1

What are you talking about?

BETH

I hear what you're saying about me.

MAN 1

Miss, I don't even know who you are.

Beth freezes. Slowly, she walks away from the two men.

MAN 1

Miss, are you alright?

Beth returns to her seat. She quietly cries to herself.

_______





Personally, I thought this was a clever idea for a scene, but I wasn't sure if I executed it as well as I could have. What I love about this scene is how in the end, the girl realizes that in a way, she was imagining all of these things being said about her, even when they weren't related to her. When people are depressed, they often have the tendency to warp their world into a negative view point, taking every action and event as a personal attack, which further worsens their condition. I feel like this is an idea that I can play with.

I had some trouble thinking of insults for the men to say. So if people have any ideas on that regard, that would be helpful.

This STAC blog I mostly use as a sketchpad for ideas. I've decided to keep a separate blog for my more complete works and thoughts. If I get this to the point where I feel good about it, I think I will add it to that blog.