The Enneagram: Day 27, It's Not Getting Better

Since I knew I've been spending a lot of time putting off songwriting, I set today to go to the basement, sit down and write. No running away. No doing something else. No being afraid.

What did I get? Nothing of course.

When I write, I feel I sound like a whiny teenager. There's something I'm not doing right. There's something I'm not getting, something I need help with. But what? What is that thing?

Part of me tells me I'm just complaining and I'm giving up because it's getting hard. It says that I just have to grow up and do stuff on my own. This is probably true. I went back downstairs to brainstorm 3 times before I sat down to write this because of that voice in my head.

I don't want to complain. The reason I keep complaining, the reason I keep writing these blogposts, is because I'm just trying to figure out that thing. I'm trying to make sense of my brain, but it doesn't want me to.

It feels like if I want to be upset, I can only express myself in a mature kind of way. It has to be through well written poetry, or songs. But you know, sometimes I can't make my sadness worth anything. I can't push my emotions through some grinder and mold them into something beautiful. It's just pain.

I love everything about music except for actually make it. Problem is, I'm stubborn, and I want to have power. I don't want to just do what other people are doing. I want to make my own stuff. And I want to do everything.

So what can I do at this point?

I need some sort of help with writing. I'm been teaching myself stuff for a while now, but I can't teach myself this. I need projects to do. I need training. I need to know what's good and what's bad, what I'm doing right or wrong.

I got a book with songwriting/writing exercises, I think I'll start trying that. That would be a good start. And I can share my writing with my community, even the scraps.