I want to give up. I really, really, really want to give up.
This whole week my enthusiasm for this project has been flushed down the toilet. Why? I have no clue. Everyday I come home and I dread trying to do more songwriting. I procrastinate. I read books about the Enneagram instead of writing my songs. I set up my recording studio instead of writing my songs.
Maybe I feel like I've gotten stuck. The songs I'm working on aren't moving forward, and any new songs I try to make are boring. I have only 2 songs written, and only one of them I like. I'm definitely not finishing 9 songs. I don't even know if I'm going to get 4 songs at this rate.
This whole Enneagram thing is driving me crazy. What am I doing? I've run down some strange road where I'm believing in some sort of strange, supernatural psychological theory that I don't even understand. I feel trapped by some sort of personality classification, like I'm in a box. Whenever I have my own individual feelings, I'm just like everyone else. Even our own personalities are graded and analyzed, just like our education, just like our abilities, just like everything else.
I feel judgmental. In my songs, I'm only grazing the surface of each personality type. I'm trying to summarize an entire genre of person in a 3 minute song. That's crazy! There's so much more to a person than what can be said in 3 minutes. I don't know what I'm doing. And why do people keep on asking me what their personality type is? I don't know your type. I don't have the magic wand to your self-discovery.
I don't want to give up. I always give up. Never have I ever learned a song on any instrument that I could say I perfected. I can say I play many instruments, but I can't say I play them well.
Maybe I should just be an instrumentalist. It's all technical, and if I sound bad, it's the composers fault. It's not as emotionally tolling.
I feel sad. Deeply sad, and pathetic. And worthless. And confused.
I have a bad problem of working in ups and downs. Somedays, I get a ton of stuff done, while other days I completely collapse, mentally and physically. This entire project I've been working and collapsing, and every time I collapse it gets a bit worse. Right now, with the addition of my sickness, I feel like my head is spinning.
ReplyDeleteBecause I can't work during school hours, I feel very pressured to get work done at home. When my work at home leads to nothing but wasted time, I get frustrated. It never seems there's enough time to do what I want to do, and when I get that time back on the weekend, I collapse, and I waste it.
Perhaps this is where a majority of my current frustration comes from. I feel as if I haven't done enough today, or this week, and I'm ashamed. The best thing to do would be to let it go, but I'm afraid that I'll just end up in another cycle of work and collapse.