The Artist's Workplace and Determination

As some of you may know, I live in a house with a lot of hoarding, which has been pretty stressful lately. I want a clean place. Of course, I can never have the entire house clean. That's just not possible with the situation I'm in and the people I live with. Recently though, I realized that if I had a small section for myself and my music then maybe it could be more bearable.

I've tried using my room to write songs but it's quite small and too close to parents. The general music room in my house is right next to the family room, and I needed something more private. It's hard to focus with all the people walking around, the junk, the time I spend going through piles of unorganized music, and the frustration of when people pile stuff on the piano bench where I'm supposed to sit. I really just needed a place of my own, something I could control without other people getting in my way. Virginia Woolf once said "A woman must have money and a room of her own if she is to write fiction." That's pretty much relevant to any kind of artist regardless of gender.

During the songwriting workshop about 2 weeks ago and I asked Phil how he organized all of his instruments. He told me that he kept them all up on the wall. In my basement I have a series of 5 long shelves on the wall, which I realized were perfect. That's when I knew I had to clean out my basement. This seemed almost impossible though. The corner not in use had basically been kept as a large garbage square ever since my parents moved into the house. Junk was piled so high you couldn't even walk into the area.

I couldn't give up because I knew that this was my rite of passage. I could feel it. This was the challenge I had to go through to continue on with my life and prosper. With the help my parents, I began the task. Obsessively I cleaned. One week later, I dealt with all of the holiday decorations and got an entryway into the area. 

It was getting better, but I still wasn't there yet. I was determined that I would have my workplace clean so I could begin. Yesterday I cleaned for 4 hours straight.

This is how it looks as of today. It's not perfect, but now I finally have enough space to begin moving in. I made my claim to the shelves by bringing down a good amount of my instrument collection. Now, the place is mine. I still need to continue cleaning until I'm done, but now I can get started towards my music. For real.

What I'm trying to say here is NEVER give up when difficult obstacles get in your way. Don't be discouraged if something seems too hard to do because if your put in strength and effort, you can go far places. Follow your path. And who knows, you may even find yourself your very own sperm tie.

Workshop: Jim Bonney 5

This is the last Jim Bonney workshop. This makes me really sad.

Today definitely had the greatest improv we've done so far. We started our improvs with our masks (the people who we pretend to be), and then we started cracking out of our masks. "You have to break your mask to get what you want."

I did an improv with Shiana in which I was her mother and she was my only daughter leaving for college on the other side of the globe. My mask was happy and confident. I got upset because I worked so hard to bring her up into what I wanted her to be and now she was leaving me. Jim Bonney turns to me. "You're acting." He knows. I let my guard down, and I give Shiana a hug, wishing her the best of luck for the future, and I watch her walk away.

"You hide really deep, don't you?" he says to me. Jim Bonney, you couldn't be more right.

Civilized or Wild?

This is a question I've had on my mind for a while now. What is a better way to live? A life of manners, etiquette, and sophistication, or a life of craziness, danger, and unsophistication?

I feel like nowadays nobody has manners anymore. Nobody ever remembers to say please or thank you, hold the door, do favors. Men dress with their pants at their ankles, girls wear leggings which basically makes them look like they naked from the waist down and belly shirts to compliment them. People don't know basic skills, like cleaning, washing, living a stable life. We buy things and waste, and we never savor what we have. Instead of speaking face to face, we communicate through computers and cellphones, and in the presence of people, we rudely take out our cellphones and text our friends. While we could easily exercise by taking a walk outside, we go to gyms and close ourselves off from the world.

I think about the conservative way of life, but then I begin to think it all seems like a waste of time. Instead of actually enjoying things, you spend all the time focusing on your image, perfecting yourself. A project that's never finished. And for what? So other people who also perfect their delicate images can admire you? Hours and hours go into this perfection, but are those hours better spent doing other things? In the end, is it better to have a life with all accomplishments being internal having an effect on your family and your life, or with external accomplishments that have an effect on the world, even if you don't live in ideal circumstances?

I'm scared for the future, whichever direction it may take. If I decide to take a good path, perhaps and business or medicine, what do I have in my future? I go to college. I get a job. I get married, have kids. For what? Every day would be the same exact job, to come to the same faces, have the same things to talk about. Some people have hobbies, but even then, all you do is talk about the hobby. What interesting things happen in life?

And if I do take the more adventurous path of an artist, what do I have in my future? I go to college, and I struggle to get a job. I live in a small place, possibly unable to have a family with my salary. I wait everyday for my opportunity to be successful, which may never come. I go through every day simply trying to survive, placed with new challenges. What for?

How do you live?

Workshop: Songwriting 3

The one thing I will leave this workshop with is definitely this one phrase "You ALWAYS need to have a catchy chorus." It's funny, because I never thought of that as very important, when in reality, it's the key to writing a song that makes people remember you, and being successful. We all showed what we were working on. I showed some lyrics that I was working on, but I still hadn't found a tune to them yet. We worked on trying to get a melody line with them, but after a while I realized you can't just write lyrics and expect to find music to go with it. You have to do both at the same so it flows naturally.

Afterwards we started listening to other artists. It was really interesting embracing the music as a group. You could feel a common vibe around the room, whether it was magical, happy, or just plain awkward. Music knows how to press your buttons. It makes the right sounds that trigger emotions like an on and off switch.

After the songwriting workshop I ended up going to songwriting club (that's 3 straight hours of songwriting) and Mr. Semerdjian showed us some of his songs. I asked him how he generally went about the process of writing songs, and he said 70% of the time he ended up starting with a chord progression. In response I asked him how he usually came up with chord progressions, and he told me he just messed around with the guitar until he found something cool. I went straight home and went to work creating something amazing.

At first, I started messing around with chords, what sounded cool. I found myself all over the place as one thing lead to another. Eventually I made it to a chord progression that was almost perfect, but the 6th string seemed like it would be better if it were a note down. Then I thought, why not tune down the string! My mind went haywire with ideas as I worked on this song, moving quickly from one thing to the next. I barely even noticed that 5 hours passed by the time I got a good amount of lyrics down.

I didn't end up liking the lyrics though, and that taught me another important lesson in songwriting. Make sure you know what you're actually writing about or else your words will be complete and utter nonsense. After a free write, I finally figured out that while I originally thought my song was about feeling abandoned by everyone, it was really about being obsessed with anguish. That certainly cleared a lot up.

Hopefully, I'll get it to turn into something good and presentable. I think I'm going somewhere with this.

Workshop: Jim Bonney 4

A few nights ago, I had an amazing dream. The story of the dream wasn't so interesting, as much as the place that I was in. I was a place where houses were laid in a line along a wooden porch, overlooking a river, in front of a mountain. People were swimming through the river, enjoying themselves. I jumped in, and my friends were there. We swam to get around, for cars didn't exist there. I felt the freedom of the sea, the misty air, and me and my friends roughhoused like we were children again.

This is the place I went to when Jim Bonney told us to travel to our home, the place we were most comfortable. It seemed so real because in a way, I really did go there.

We worked with verbs. I was partnered with Julie, and we worked well together because we have so much energy. The topic of the improv wasn't that strong (each of us trying to get money out of each other) but the insults were.  We were animals, and it was fun. It started with us giving each other brilliant compliments to me begging on the floor for her only penny. What I like about acting is that you can go as far as you want and it (usually) fits. Usually when I act like that around my friends, they get scared. In acting, that's the goal.

Workshop: Songwriting 2

So I finally got a chance to meet Phil Jimenez, which was really fantastic. It was the first time I got to someone who knows the music business (beyond East European folk music, but that's another story). He was friendly, and he wasn't afraid to be honest, which I really admired. Bluntly, he told us that if we want to make it in the modern music world, all of our songs need to have a catchy chorus to sing along to. Personally, he's sent out people he didn't believe were mainstream enough. It's a nasty world out there.

We all played our song for him and he said something interesting. "It seems like all of these songs are songs your parents would be okay to hear. I want you guys to get more adventurous." It made me think of something I read in the Empty Space that's stuck with me ever since I read it, something along the lines of "The artist gives the gift of himself and sacrifices himself to the audience." If I want to be an artist, I need to be willing to share deep parts of myself, and give them up to the audience for judgement and ridicule.

I took Jimenez's request as a challenge, and attempted to write a song that would not make my parents happy. It still needs work, but I think I might be going somewhere with it.

Workshop: Jim Bonney 3

Today's workshop we did a lot of the same routine. Breathing and connecting to your inner child, followed by repetition exercises and then improv. I did an improv with Megan in which I got pregnant and I needed her help as a sister.

Doing this improv was pretty unpleasant. First of all I was considering the fact I had a boyfriend, which made me uncomfortable. Then I was considering that I had sex with this boyfriend and got pregnant, which made me even more uncomfortable. I've never been involved romantically with a guy. Ever. So that really scares me. And what's even scarier is how that could be a reality sometime in the near future.

I went along with the improv though, to see where it would lead. In the beginning I didn't really know what to say, but I started to ease into it after a while, and the words came from my mouth without having to think about it. What shocked me the most were the insults that came out of my mouth, specifically when I said "You're just jealous because you don't have a boyfriend." In that moment everything just froze. Usually my mind would filter out those kind of things, but in the Jim Bonney improv environment, you don't use your head. That came from a deep place.

It made me think, sometimes its okay to use your brain. If we were to all follow our animal instincts, we would probably all end up killing each other.

Workshop: Jim Bonney 2

This workshop worked out quite differently than I expected from the last workshop. I was expecting to go through the emotional cycle of sad, happy, angry, and scared. This wasn't the case for some reason. I felt one emotion, and that was happiness. It makes sense I suppose, considering all of the empowering exercises we did, screaming "I want it! It's all mine!" as well as screaming NO! to all of the responsibilities that he yelled back at us "Clean your room! Do your homework! Don't talk to me in that tone of voice!" Then we all held hands and ran in a circle, like we were children again. It was one of the only times I've felt really happy in a long time. Afterwards we all slid down the hallways in our socks. It didn't make the other adults very happy, but it didn't matter.

We then tried to act out part of a song as a monologue. He told us to imagine all of our friends and family on a boat while we're alone on the dock. The boat drives away. We had to say a monologue with this emotion. Many people were crying. For some reason though, I wasn't able to connect to the emotional part of myself no matter how hard I tried. This frustrated me a little, considering how emotional I was last time. Hopefully I haven't exhausted myself, but I don't see how that could be possible. Maybe next time will be intense enough for me to feel that emotional connection. For now though, I'm just left hanging.

Workshop: Songwriting 1

I've attempted to write a song plenty of times, but none of these times ever fell through to something successful. I guess it just takes practice to get better. For the workshop we had to write a song with another person. I worked with John. This helped me realize something: doing art with another person is hard. A lot of it is because two different people have two completely different thought paths. It's hard to tell what the other person is thinking, and it's difficult to get the ideas to correspond together. It makes me wonder how Paul McCartney and John Lennon were able to pull it off so well. I wonder what it was like when they first got together in high school to write their first song, how much they struggled with it.

After the workshop I went home and attempted to write my own song. Unlike before, I just sat myself down and forced myself to do it. I played around with chord progressions, words, and rhythm. After working on one song for a while, I decided to just play around with some finger picking and I started playing a waltz. Then I started singing and all of a sudden I had the first lyrics to a song come right out of my mouth. Following the idea, I continued writing and finished it in 10 minutes. Of course I still have to work on improving the lyrics and melody line, but I was able to get something with set lyrics, set music, and a set ending, which was something I've never done before. Needless to say I was overjoyed. I might post it in my next workshop post.

People say that you need inspiration to create art. That's not true in the slightest. It was only when I had a deadline that I finally let my creativity out and wrote a song, not when I felt "inspiration". Some things you create may be better than others, but you need to constantly create to even have a chance of getting something great. It's tedious, but worth it.

Workshop: Jim Bonney 1

This workshop was wonderful, and I'm not just saying that because everyone thought it was so great. The workshop brought out a part of me I haven't seen for about 4 years now, a part of me that I deeply missed.

First he told us to get in touch with out inner child. I saw the smiling face of a 7 year old, frolicking among play equipment and dancing on sand. I always considered myself having a miserable past, but that's not true. My past was happy and joyful. It's only when I grew up that I looked upon it in shame. She looked at me with wide eyes and a straight face. I cried.

Then we stood up and began repetition. We started with a simple phrase. "Out of my way." The more it was said the more meaning went behind it. I imagined all of the people I really wish I could push out of my way. All the past bullies, all the present bullies, the people who drive me insane. We continued onward with phrases like "It's all mine! I'm number 1!" These are things that I could never imagine saying, especially nowadays. But you know what? It felt amazing. For once, I was worth something. For once, I deserved to live.

He told us many phrases and we had to consistently say no to them. "Do your homework! Clean your room! Don't you dare talk to me in that tone of voice!" He targeted me the same way I targeted myself, but I forced myself to say no. I run the show now and not anyone else.

Afterwards, I sat by myself staring at the window. My hateful voices were gone. I was at peace with myself, and I realized how much I loved to be by myself, within myself. This is a peace that I haven't felt since I was a small child. A peace that has been gone for far too long.

After a short break, we did improv based on our emotions. I was improving with Jared, with him being the father and me being the daughter. The situation was that I came home after curfew and he was mad at me for breaking the rules. I broke out in a series of arguments and insults, things that I sometimes wish I could say to my dad. In a way, it seems like acting is pretending to have the life that you want so you can feel complete, at least for a little while.

Ska Workshop 6 and Europe

So a long time ago was the last workshop with Freddie. I didn't get to stay for long since I had to leave for France, but I did get to play Baba O'Reilly a few times before I left. Reflecting on the workshop now that it's done, I see that I actually learned a lot. One of the things I learned is how to do a cover on a song with a band. The trick is to figure out the chords and how long each chord lasts. That's pretty much the core of making a cover of a song. The rhythms and stuff are secondary. Before the workshop, I didn't realize how simple it actually is.

I spent my entire winter vacation in Europe. Words can't even describe how incredible it was. But I'll try to sum it up as best as I can.

One thing I learned a lot about was religion and churches. An intricately designed church can be read just like a book. Every statue tells part of the story of God, Jesus, and the bible, as well as history of the country.
Look at the picture below. This just a part of the cathedral in Reims.

If you look carefully, you may see these things

• In the middle is Jesus
• To his right is people being carried to heaven
• To his left is people being carried to hell
• Above him on one of the higher rows are the virgins emerging

You can see similar designs on the church of Notre Dame in Paris.

In the second to last square on the bottom is a demon taking a crap on some sinners

The rest of what I learned is hazy, but you get the idea. Since people for the most part couldn't read, they told their stories through pictures. It made me think about how we've been talking about religion and rituals in STAC. It's incredible to think that so many people were united under these myths and beliefs. For many people, the time in church was the only time they felt like they had purpose. I completely understand the feeling of something greater, and the want to connect to that in a negative and desolate world.

Inside of these churches there was an eerie darkness filled with colorful splotches of light.

The details on the stain glass windows are so intricate, most aren't even visible to the naked eye. Looking inside a pair of binoculars you can see that every animal, crop, person, and tool is strongly defined and fully colored. Many of these churches were under construction for at least 200 years. It shows.

Speaking of places that connect you with something greater, Switzerland is breathtaking.

I'm speechless.

Ska Workshop 5

Today we worked on Baba O'Reilly. Nowadays with the workshop, we've mostly been working on group coordination and not so much music theory. That's really important though. I think in general, our group needs to learn to listen to each other more. And I'm not just saying that because I'm playing the saxophone without a microphone which is barely audible. I've found lately that there's not really a good balance between the different parts. When people have solos on the guitar, I can barely hear it over the chords. If we all listen to each other carefully, I'm sure we can learn more from each other instead of just focusing on our own repetitive parts.

In addition to just jamming, we interviewed Freddie. He talked about how hard work and practice will bring you anywhere you want to go. Considering how he's been in 2 successful bands and is about to release his 11th album, this seems pretty believable. In addition, he's collaborated with many other musicians and recorded for movies and TV shows. That's pretty much my goal. It was very inspiring to me to know that is really is possible to be successful if you work hard enough. I think I have a new role model.

Ska Workshop 4

Today we worked on more improv and jamming. We stayed in the key of E while improving. I really, really dislike the key of E now, since on a saxophone the key is actually C#, which has 7 sharps. Not pleasant. Randomly, Freddie began to play a song. We all instantly knew what it was. Baba O'Reilly. This one was in the key of F, thankfully for me. It was so cool how without even saying the name of the song, we all instantly knew what it was and we all joined in. We're all learning how to jam as a band and listen to each other. It's really great because it's not often that I get to play music in a group (unless you count multiple violins, but that's something different). I really wish I was in a band. At least once I'm in one I'll know what to do.

Ska Workshop 3

Today we worked on the blues. We did the standard 12 bar, as well as learning a tag at the end. We focused on  learning a good bass line and improvising. I love having a chance to improvise because it's such an important skill. It practices so many things including scales, listening, playing on the spot, and figuring out what works and what doesn't. It's pretty difficult to do, and my second goal of this workshop is to improve on my improvisation.

One thing I would like to do more of is learn more about Ska music. Last time we just worked on the cover of a song, and today we just worked on the blues, which is a pretty simple concept. I'd like to do what we were doing last Tuesday when we were learning about music theory and styling and other such things. Music theory is something that I need to improve on, since a lot of times it just blows over my head. I want to learn about the more intellectual aspects of this music than the actual putting into action, at least for the time being.

Ska Workshop 2

This time, we didn't wait a second before we started playing. We already had our plan for the day: create a Ska-Punk version of Don't Stop Believin'. I always think it's cool to hear overplayed songs in different contexts. It makes them sound fresh and new again. First we learned the bass line and chords and such. Then we listened to the melody. We added the chorus and in maybe half an hour or so we were jamming away! It's so great to be able to learn music so fast with a group. Playing instruments solo can be lonely, and trying to play with my friends can be almost impossible. With a mentor to guide us though, this process was made a lot easier.

Now that I am aware of Ska I'm starting to recognize it in different songs. I got the album True Stories by Talking Heads at the pharmacy today, and while listening to one of the tracks, I detected the strong upbeat that was played by the rhythm section throughout the song. I knew instantly that song was based off Ska. It's so great to learn something and then look around and notice it was always there, just waiting for you to discover it. It makes you wonder what else you're missing out on.

Ska Workshop 1

Today, we just threw ourselves into the music. Freddie explained to us how to base chords off of notes in a scale, and how to do chord progressions. We worked on the chord progression 1 6 4 5. One of the key elements of the style is the strong upbeat, which was played by the drums, piano, and rhythm guitar. We then took the melody of a few songs we knew with the same chord progression and played it over the backup. In no time we were making music!

We also spent a lot of time focusing on music theory. Along with chord progressions, we also learned about the three different 7 chords: the major 7, dominant 7, and minor 7. We tested our ability to listen and differentiate between the types, and we also learned finger exercises. It wasn't easy, but I'm sure with practice that we'll be able to lift our middle and pinky finger together while leaving all other fingers absolutely still.

What I hope to accomplish in this workshop is to learn more about music theory, and effectively put it into action. I have two guitar teachers and one saxophone teacher, each trying to teach me this theory, but with all these voices at once it all just blows over my head. I hope that in this workshop I'll be able to straighten everything out and understand it, and along with this understanding, be able to use it. I mean what's the point of learning something if you're not gonna put it into good use?

Freddie Reiter and Ska

Ska is a genre of music that came from Jamaica around the 1950s. The style was created when people living in the Caribbean attempted to recreate the R&B from New Orleans that they heard over the radio. The heavy beat which emphasizes the upbeats defines this style, and also defines styles that followed such as rocksteady and Reggae. The history of Ska can be divided into 3 waves: The first being the original creators, the second wave  when the music reached Britian and gained a more Punk flavor, and the 3rd wave where Ska expanded even more.

Ska-Jazz is a variation on this. It's takes the strong beat of Ska and combines it with the melodic themes of Jazz. Something a Ska-Jazz band would do is play a John Coltrane melody with the ska beat. This subgenre came from the 3rd wave of Ska, but lacks the punk flavoring most Ska of the wave had. Also (according to my saxophone teacher) Ska bands have the best names, such as the Squirrel Nut Zippers and Reel Big Fish.

Freddie Reiter is a musician who plays this kind of music with his band the New York Ska-Jazz Ensemble, and previously, The Toasters. Many difficulties come from creating a band that combines musical styles. His band comes more from an origin of Jazz than for Ska, so it's difficult to keep a modern jazz flavor with a classic Ska theme as to not turn away people who like Ska in it's basic form. The balance of keeping all fans happy is very delicate.

Here's an interesting interview on Freddie Reiter if you guys are curious.

The Privilege to Watch Movies

Christmas break in Minnesota was actually a bit interesting. It's nice to visit and see what a small town is like. It seems homey. The people are friendly. There's a bit family vibe, and there's so much you can learn about the people's lives.

One of the days during the trip I went to see a movie called Unstoppable (It's a movie about 2 people stopping a runaway train. It's pretty much as good a movie as you can make about 2 people stopping a runaway train). After seeing the movie, my mom and I were on our way out of the theater. We see a jar on a table, labelled "New Technology Fund". My mom begins conversation with the woman who works there, curious. Shyly, I watched and listened.

"You know not that many movies come out on film anymore. We need to buy a whole new silver screen to replace the one we already got, just because it runs digital movies. That's a big money eater. We also got to buy the new projection equipment. It's a lot more expensive than the old style equipment. Then we got to buy a technician to run the equipment, and that's an entirely new job we gotta pay for. We don't make much money, so this is really difficult for us. It's sending many movie theaters out of business, this new technology. And it's always changing, which means we need to always buy more improvements for it. It ain't easy."

Now let's keep in mind. In Minnesota, they don't have a movie theater every 5 miles, and seeing a movie isn't a regular weekend activity. They only have one theater for at least 20 miles, and that theater only has one screen. If that movie theater closes, people will have to drive a half hour out to Fairmont to see any film. This means that people won't go out to see movies very often. The art of film is simply not readily available to them.

"I took over this movie theater around 8 or 9 years ago. It wasn't in good shape, but me and my husband fixed it up. I just love movies so much, I wanted to be able to give that privilege to others."

I'm not saying this new film technology is bad. I just thought it was interesting how much effort this woman put into her theater so that she could give the joy of movies to as many people as she possibly can. I really admire that, and I think it's a shame that her and so many others have to go through these problems.

Reality

What is reality? This is a question that I've been thinking about lately. Why are things the way they are? Why do people do the things they do? Could anything ever change?

Since high school started, I've began to question myself, my life, and my morals. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I'm in STAC. Maybe it's just because I've emotionally matured over the last few months.

I've been constantly questioning myself. I wonder, "What makes me different from all those other people?" "How do people go on in their regular lives doing bad things without even realizing it?" "Why do people care about how they look and how they act in front of all else?" "Why do people care about superficial things that don't matter?" and "Why are people so simple minded? Why do they judge before they know all the information?"

You know I really don't know how to put this. I've been sitting at the computer for the last 30 minutes hoping something clever would come up, but it hasn't. Hopefully you understand what I'm saying. Or maybe I'm just blabbering. I don't even know anymore.

Deep Meaning Behind Disney Cartoons

I know, a post with this title doesn't give a good impression but hear me out!

The other day in Orchestra, I had a bit of a STAC aha moment. Not the kind where a teacher is talking about Polic and I end up having a 20 minute conversation. The kind of aha moment when you look at something in a way that you've never seen it before.

The movie we were watching was Balto, if you guys have heard of it. Personally, I don't remember ever seeing the movie before. It starts a dog obviously named Balto. Balto is half dog and half wolf. Because of this, he doesn't fit in with the dogs or the wolves. He's constantly ridiculed by the other dogs and ignored by the wolves. This leaves him stuck lonely in-between point.

I realized that even though children's movies are very simplistic, they're actually trying to spread a good point. This movie is talking about loneliness, bullying, and discrimination. Many of us don't realize that while watching these movies as kids we were learning morals that we use in our everyday lives.